AFFIRMATIONS: HELPING OTHERS FEEL MOTIVATED

❝The whole point of growth mindset is to focus on process. It's about focusing on hard work, perseverance, and improvement.❞ -Carol Dweck

I remember sitting in a dentist's chair, waiting to be judged. My heart was racing. I had been avoiding the dentist for years. I grew up in a family where dental care wasn't prioritized because of the cost. And that avoidance created a vicious cycle—bad teeth kept me away from the dentist, which only made my teeth worse, further keeping me away from the dentist.

When I finally did go, my worst fears came true. The dentist scolded me for not taking better care of my teeth. I left feeling ashamed, not motivated.

It was years before I went back.

But this time, something different happened. Instead of shaming me, the new dentist affirmed my decision to be there. He acknowledged the effort I was making and even pointed out some of the things I was doing right.

Of course, he still told me what needed work, but the difference was how he communicated it. Instead of making me feel worse, he helped me feel motivated to move forward.

This is the power of affirmations. They don’t ignore the problem—they simply help someone feel capable of tackling it.

Imagine a flashlight shining in a dark room. What you point it at is what gets illuminated. If you shine it on a mess, all you see is the mess. But if you shine it on something good—something strong—then that’s what stands out.

That’s how affirmations work in conversations. When we highlight strengths, people feel seen, encouraged, and motivated to keep going.

IMPROVING YOUR LISTENING

Most of us have thousands of thoughts running through our minds each day. Some studies estimate we have up to 70,000 thoughts per day, many of which are negative. We get lost in thought, distracted, or overwhelmed. This happens to us, and it happens to the people we care about.

When someone we love is struggling, we may be tempted to fix the problem or point out what they could do differently. But often, the best thing we can do is listen and help them make sense of their own thoughts.

One of the best ways to do this is by using OARS—a set of simple listening skills that help guide conversations in a positive direction:

• Open-ended questions (encourage deeper thinking)

• Affirmations (highlight strengths & efforts)

• Reflections (restate what they said to show understanding)

• Summaries (help them connect the dots)

These skills help others feel truly heard—not just listened to.

When we listen well, we’re not trying to steer someone’s life for them. Instead, we’re helping them row their own boat—giving them the encouragement and clarity they need to move forward.

A grateful person exhibits certain traits. Rather than feeling deprived in life, a grateful person experiences a sense of abundance. A grateful person acknowledges the contributions of others to his/her success and well-being, appreciates life's simple pleasures, and acknowledges the importance of experiencing and expressing gratitude.

AFFIRMING STRENGTHS

One of the easiest ways to help someone is also one of the most overlooked—affirming what they’re doing well.

It’s easy to notice what’s wrong, but growth happens when people recognize what they’re doing right.

For example, imagine someone is struggling with their finances, feeling like they can’t get ahead. They may say something like, “I’m terrible with money.”

You could respond, “That’s not true,” but that won’t change how they feel. Instead, you could say:

“I know this is frustrating, but I can see that you’re trying. The fact that you’re even thinking about this shows that you care. That’s a big step.”

That simple affirmation reframes the struggle—it acknowledges the challenge but focuses on their effort instead of their failures.

Affirmations work like water for plants—they nourish motivation and encourage growth.

If we want to build better relationships, whether with partners, kids, or friends, we need to do more than just listen—we need to affirm.

That doesn’t mean ignoring problems. It means helping people see their own strengths, so they feel empowered to take action.

Try it today. The next time someone shares a struggle, listen with curiosity, reflect on what they’ve said, and affirm what they’re doing well.

A little encouragement can go a long way.

You get one life; live intentionally.

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REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES

Delucca, Gina & Jamie Goldstein: Positive Psychology in Practice

Emmons, Robert: THANKS!

Hefferon, Kate & Ilona Boniwell: Positive Psychology

Ivtzan, Itai, Tim Lomas, Kate Hefferon & Piers Worth: Second Wave Positive Psychology

Miller, William: Listening Well

Miller, William: On Second Thought 

Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing

Reivich, Karen & Andrew Shatte: The Resilience Factor