SEEKING ALTERNATE EXPLANATIONS
❝Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, 'What else could this mean?'❞ -Shannon Alder
Imagine someone with several close friends, good work colleagues, and a romantic partner. This person occasionally disagrees with someone, usually starting with misinterpreting what someone said, taking it personally, and misattributing intent. Often, these misinterpretations lead to fights. And, more often than not, this person finds out that they were wrong, and that the other person meant well. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable.
This is a story that plays out everywhere, over and over again. We have a tendency to guess wrong about people's motivations and intentions.
WRONG GUESSES
People do what they do for a variety of reasons. I knew someone who had an irrational fear (his words) of doing something wrong at any automated kiosk or machine. He said he'd study the instructions two or three times before hitting any buttons. He doesn't want to look foolish and have to start the process over or unintentionally select the wrong thing. The irony, of course, is that he looks foolish to people who wonder why he's taking so long to use the car wash or pump his gas.
How many people watching this guy would correctly guess, "He must have an irrational fear of hitting the wrong button."? Virtually nobody.
And so it is with most things. I automatically assume that someone cut me off because they are a jerk. I think someone didn't invite me to their event because they don't like me. I default to attributing someone's comments to an attack on my intelligence.
And I do this knowing full well that I don't actually know. This is so common that psychologists have a name for it. It's a cognitive distortion called mind reading.
In fact, if I knew the real reason people do what they do, I'd likely be quite humbled.
I have enough experience to know that I've been completely wrong before. That knowledge, as uncomfortable as it may be, shines a light on the fact that I am a bad predictor.
If I know I've been wrong before, I can ask myself how I might be wrong now. It's a way to hijack automatic thoughts and beliefs and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Since I know I'm probably wrong about people's motivations and I've been wrong before, I can allow myself to think about alternative reasons others might do what they do.
When I do that, I start to look for reasons that put the situation in a more positive light.
Instead of my default negativity bias, I can assume positive intent.
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The Five Facet Mindfulness Questionnaire measures your level of mindfulness among five interrelated components. These components are observing, describing, acting with awareness, nonjudgment of inner experiences, and not reactivity to inner experiences. They can be helpful in gaining an understanding of the areas of mindfulness in which you may want to focus. |
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BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
Assuming positive intent is giving people the benefit of the doubt.
If I get pushed while in line, I could assume the person behind me is a selfish @ssh*le, or I could assume he lost his balance and didn't mean to hit me.
If a driver speeds up to get in front of me, I could assume the driver is taking advantage of me, or I could assume she is from out of town and didn't know the lane ended.
If someone cuts in front of me in line, I could assume that person is rude, or I could assume the person is distracted because he just learned his mother went into the hospital, and he didn't notice me.
None of these positive explanations is likely to be right, either. I'm almost always going to be wrong. But I will experience the world differently if I assume the best in people instead of the worst.
You get one life; live intentionally.
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REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES
Adams, Scott: Reframe Your Brain Burkeman, Oliver: The Antidote Denborough, David: Retelling the Stories of Our Lives Emmons, Robert: THANKS! Feldman Barrett, Lisa: How Emotions Are Made Gillihan, Seth: Mindful Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Hall, Kindra: Choose Your Story, Change Your Life
McAdams, Dan: The Stories We Live By Sinek, Simon: Leaders Eat Last Wallace, David Foster: This is Water
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