EXPLORING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY
❝Financial health is having a balanced, comfortable relationship with money.❞ -Ted Klontz
I'm playing pool with some close friends and some of their friends. It's the winter of 2007. I'm not very good at pool, so I spend most of my time talking. One of my friends' work colleagues tells me that she earned over $100,000 last year for the first time. Hitting six-figure status was very important to her. I don't make that, but I hope to soon.
This six-figure status seems to be stuck in my head as a good marker of success. I live in an apartment with a friend of mind and drive an old car. Once I start making six figures, I'll have my life together - at least, that's the hope. This becomes my goal in life; to make more than $100,000 per year.
Well, I got there...and then some. The thing they don't tell you is that more money comes with more responsibility, more pressure, more demands, and ultimately, less flexibility, autonomy, and freedom.
Chasing money without first examining my relationship with money turned out to be the wrong choice for me. The relationship with money needs to be there first.
RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY
If you don't know you have a relationship with money, you probably don't have a very good one. Now, you might be wondering what it means to have a relationship with money. It makes sense to have a relationship with someONE, because, you know, we all have relationships with living beings - partners, family members, friends, colleagues, even pets and other animals. But how can we have a relationship with someTHING?
It's a good question. By analogy, think about your car. It's likely that you have a car (especially if you live in the United States), and you have a relationship with your car. Some people take good care of their car in so that it will take good care of them. Some people don't really care about it and thus don't care for it, taking it for granted. Some people keep it immaculately clean, and to others, the cleanliness of their car isn't something they think people should care about - or that a dirty car means it's doing its job! Some people know exactly how it works and how to fix it if something goes wrong. Others wonder if they have to replace their blinker fluid or take their car in just to have antifreeze put in.
As we see with a car, it's possible to have a relationship with an inanimate object. Money is another inanimate object that we have a relationship with. Whether you know it or not, you have a relationship with money; everyone does. Whether it's good or bad, and whether you want to or not, this relationship exists.
IT CAN BE COMPLICATED
Many of us don't know that we have a relationship with money, but even for those who do, it's not always a great relationship. Maybe you make pretty good money but aren't saving as much as you would like. Perhaps you spend more than you know you should on things that you realize aren't important to you. It could be that you are afraid of money and don't ask for it, leaving you a habitual underearner. Maybe you make good money, are saving, and not spending too much, yet you still feel anxiety and stress when it comes to money. Or, you and your partner have very different feelings about money, leading to money fights.
Money is stressful for most people and made more stressful if we have a complicated relationship with it.
|
 |
Money Scripts® are subconscious beliefs we have about money that we learn when we are growing up in our family systems. A Money Script can be anything, but they tend to fall into four categories. Learn what categories your Money Scripts fall into. |
 |
|
MONEY IS EVERYWHERE
It's no wonder money is so stressful. Money touches every area of our lives.
Do you need to find a place to live? Do you rent or buy? How much can you afford? How high should your fixed expenses be? What's the rate on your mortgage?
Are you looking for a job? How much will you make? Are there ways to keep taxes low? Should you open that 401(k)? Are you making what you're worth?
Do you want to relax? Can you afford to take some time off? Does your job give you vacation pay, or will your next paycheck be lower? Does your form of relaxation cost money? Can you afford that?
Do you want to have a conversation with your partner? Does money come up? Are you both spending money in the same way? Are you trying to keep your partner from knowing how much you actually spend?
There are few financial decisions that don't involve your life somehow, and few life decisions that don't have a financial teather. Money touches almost every area of our lives; we can't escape it!
EXPLORING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY
A common solution most of us jump to is that we simply need more money. That seems like an obvious solution. We perceive our issues are due to a lack of money and, therefore, if we had more money we would be better off.
If you've gone through a major promotion, job change, or financial windfall like a settlement, inheritance, or other payout, you probably know that your financial issues don't go away. They may have changed, sure. But if you're frustrated because you haven't been able to change your financial habits or you still suffer from financial worry, it might be time to take a look under the hood and examine your relationship with money.
It's not about how much you make.
Your relationship with money isn't about how smart you are, either. Many people have tried to fix their money issues before and haven't experienced success. Or, if there was some success, it was short-lived. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the failure to achieve lasting change is due to insufficient information or not being smart enough.
Strengthening your relationship with money isn't about how smart you are. In fact, being too smart might hurt if you believe that you can get ahead if you just do more research.
To increase your financial health, it's more important to address the hidden causes of your money troubles, which means exploring your relationship with money. In order to truly be comfortable with money, you need a better, healthier relationship with it. Improving your relationship with money will often lead to better outcomes, less stress, and less worry.
RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY AND MONEY SCRIPTS
The key to strengthening your relationship with money is understanding what's driving your financial behaviors. In financial psychology, these are called money scripts. Money scripts represent rules that we subconsciously follow about money. They are developed through our experiences - mostly in childhood, reflect partial truths about how money works (though our subconscious treats them as whole truths), and are hidden underneath conscious awareness.
Essentially, money scripts are the stories we tell ourselves about money.
Maybe you learned that money should be saved and not spent. Or you have learned that you deserve to treat yourself. You could have learned that "rich people" (whatever that means) are bad. Perhaps you don't think you deserve money. A money script is any rule that we make up and follow. If you don't pay attention to money and your money scripts, you are being ruled by these invisible rules.
Improving your relationship with money means exploring the money scripts that drive your behavior. Sometimes you'll recognize there are money scripts that have been mostly good and only slightly limiting. Other times, you may notice money scripts that made total sense at one time in your life, but they don't make sense anymore. You might also find money scripts that have been behind what you thought was self-sabotage. The good news is that once you know about them, you can work to change them.
New financial habits and systems can be accomplished and will lead to financial health. You'll be able to use your money to design the life that you want. You'll have reasonable debt that was a conscious choice. Your financial stress will be minimal, and you will have good habits that make it easy to do the right thing.
Financial health is attainable. You just have to train yourself to stop thinking it's about finding more data and research. Focus on improving your relationship with money and learn the money stories you've been telling yourself. Life is short; don't be a slave to money. Author and behavioral scientist Sarah Newcomb has a fitting saying: you can live "a life you love...with the resources you have."
You get one life; live intentionally.
If you know someone else who would benefit from reading this, please share it with them. Spread the word, if you think there's a word to spread.
To share via text, social media, or email, simply copy and paste the following link:
Subscribe to Meaningful Money
Thanks for reading. If you found value in this article, consider subscribing. Each week I send out a new post with personal stories and simple drawings. It's free, and there's no spam.
REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES
Ariely, Dan & Jeff Kreisler: Dollars and Sense Clear, James: Atomic Habits Clements, Jonathan: How to Think About Money Dunn, Elizabeth & Michael Norton: Happy Money Fogg, B.J.: Tiny Habits Hagen, Derek: Money’s Purpose in Your Life Hagen, Derek: Your Money, Your Values, and Your Life Hall, Kindra: Choose Your Story, Change Your Life
Kinder, George: Seven Stages of Money Maturity Klontz, Brad, Rick Kahler & Ted Klontz: The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge Klontz, Brad & Ted Klontz: Mind Over Money Krueger, David: A New Money Story Krueger, David & John David Mann: The Secret Language of Money Newcomb, Sarah: Loaded Wagner, Richard: Financial Planning 3.0 Wallace, David Foster: This is Water Zweig, Jason: Your Money and Your Brain
Comments