COMMUNICATING YOUR DESIRE TO HELP
❝Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.❞ -Mark Twain
People like helping others. It's in our DNA. It's why we feel good when we see a smile on someone's face after we do something for them. It's why we enjoy movies where a curmudgeon at the beginning of the story finds a way to be generous by the end of the story. It's also why we love giving people advice and suffer from what Motivational Interviewing practitioners call the fixing reflex.
It makes sense that we want to help people out. However, if we're not careful about how we choose our words, we might not be sending the message we want.
OUR NEED FOR SELF-DETERMINATION
There is a theory of psychological well-being and motivation called self-determination theory. It says humans need three things to feel motivated: autonomy, belonging (or relatedness), and competence (or mastery). If we don't feel like we are in control of our own choices, don't belong, or aren't good at something, we are less likely to feel motivated.
Keeping this idea in mind, think about the message we send when we use this common question:
"Do you need any help?"
The key word here is "need." Asking someone if they NEED help is the same as asking them to admit that they can't do something. It violates the competency component of self-determination theory.
Further, even if it's true that they can't do it, asking if they need YOUR help strips them of their autonomy (they can't make their own choice) and belonging (they are on a lower rung in the social hierarchy because they need you to help them.
Asking people if they need your help might come from a good place, but it's also used by people who don't actually want to help but want to make it look like they offered.
A better way is to ask if someone WANTS help.
This puts the decision-making power back in the hands of the person you want to help. They don't NEED your help, but it might be nice.
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A grateful person exhibits certain traits. Rather than feeling deprived in life, a grateful person experiences a sense of abundance. A grateful person acknowledges the contributions of others to his/her success and well-being, appreciates life's simple pleasures, and acknowledges the importance of experiencing and expressing gratitude. |
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ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
We can take this a step further. Instead of asking if they want help, we can just ask IF we can help. This takes the onus off of them and puts it on us. They don't have to tell us if they want help or not. We're essentially telling them that we're here to help.
Saying "yes" to whether or not I want some help still might be awkward for some because it means asking you to go out of your way.
If you ask if you can help, you send the message that you want to help, making a "yes" more appealing.
The final step we can take is to take away the need for them to answer the question. Instead, we can make the decision that we are going to help.
The only question is, how?
If you want to help others, help. Don't wait for permission.
You get one life; live intentionally.
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REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES
Boniwell, Ilona: Positive Psychology in a Nutshell Haidt, Jonathan: The Happiness Hypothesis Hefferon, Kate & Ilona Boniwell: Positive Psychology Ivtzan, Itai, Tim Lomas, Kate Hefferon & Piers Worth: Second Wave Positive Psychology Miller, William: Listening Well Miller, William: On Second Thought Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing Sofer, Oren Jay: Say What You Mean
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