Nov 143 min read

ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS AFTER SETBACKS

❝Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.❞ -Theodore Roosevelt

Most of what happens in life is beyond our control. Friends leave us too soon, relationships end, and political events don’t always unfold as we hoped. When life throws us curveballs, we often feel confused and uncertain.

This is the challenge of navigating life’s uncertainties. To regain our footing, it helps to focus on what we can control and accept what we cannot.

WHAT YOU CAN - AND CAN'T - CONTROL

The Serenity Prayer captures the wisdom of focusing on what’s within our power. Similarly, ancient Stoics taught that while we cannot control external events, we can control how we respond to them.

Yet, this is easier said than done. Humans crave certainty, and ambiguity makes us uncomfortable. Recognizing the limits of our control is a practice—a muscle that gets stronger over time.

drawing of focus on things that are in your control

RESILIENCE: GETTING BETTER AT FEELING BAD

Resilience is not about ignoring problems or feeling good all the time. Instead, resilience is about becoming better at handling discomfort and setbacks.

When something bad happens, our coping strategies shape how we move forward. These strategies fall into two broad categories:

Maladaptive Coping: Keeps us stuck.
- Passive coping: Doing nothing when action is possible.
- Overcontrol: Wasting energy trying to control the uncontrollable.
Adaptive Coping: Helps us overcome challenges.
- Active coping: Taking meaningful action within your control.
- Surrendering: Letting go of what you cannot change.

drawing of adaptive and maladaptive coping strategies

Resilience is the ability to bounce back (or grow) from stress and adversity. The ability to maintain physical, mental, and emotional well-being in the face of setbacks. Learn more about how resilient you are.

REFRAMING FOR AGENCY

To build resilience, focus on reframing the questions you ask yourself. Often, we dwell on the past after a setback:

“Why did this happen?”
“How did this go wrong?”

While understanding the past can teach us valuable lessons, staying rooted in “why” and “how” keeps us stuck. To move forward, shift to asking, “What now?”

Reframing questions toward the future gives us a sense of agency. It redirects our energy to what we can influence.

drawing of reframing questions into the future

By asking “What now?” we accept what’s happened, embrace what’s beyond our control, and take steps to move forward. This simple shift can align us with the causes and values that matter most, giving our lives greater meaning and purpose.

So the next time life throws you a curveball, pause and reframe. Focus not on what you’ve lost but on what you can do with what’s ahead.

You get one life; live intentionally.

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