RESIST THE URGE TO "FIX" THINGS

❝Once you label me, you negate me.❞ -Soren Kierkegaard

Have you ever been in a conversation where someone shared something vulnerable—a worry, a dream, a decision they’re facing—and before they could finish, you jumped in with advice?

If you’re anything like me, you’ve had that moment. A friend mentions how they’re “finally feeling good about saving money,” and your financial brain kicks in. “That’s great,” you say, “but you really need to get a Roth IRA going!” Or a loved one shares they’re thinking of taking a big trip, and instead of exploring their reasons, you rattle off all the better places they could go instead.

It’s coming from a good place. You want to help. You want to make things better. But most of us know what it feels like to be on the other end of that—when someone skips over our emotions and jumps straight to fixing. It can leave us feeling misunderstood… or even shut down entirely.

This urge to fix or correct is so common it has a name in the coaching and counseling world: the righting reflex. And while it’s natural, it often backfires.

WHEN HELPING GETS IN THE WAY

We tend to assume that if we share the right piece of advice at the right time, it will be helpful. And sometimes it is! But often, the other person just isn’t ready yet. They might not see the issue as a problem. They might not feel confident about making a change. Or maybe they’re still just figuring out how they feel.

Trying to help too soon—before they’re ready—can accidentally come across as pressure, correction, or even judgment.

We might have high motivation to help, while the other person’s readiness to hear or act on that help is still developing.

That “Danger Zone” is where advice is more likely to be ignored—or even resisted—not because it’s wrong, but because it came too soon.

The Five Facet Mindfulness Questionnaire measures your level of mindfulness among five interrelated components. These components are observing, describing, acting with awareness, nonjudgment of inner experiences, and not reactivity to inner experiences. They can be helpful in gaining an understanding of the areas of mindfulness in which you may want to focus.

A TOOL THAT MIGHT HELP: SCALING QUESTIONS

Here’s a simple technique from the coaching world that can help reduce tension and build motivation: scaling questions.

Let’s say someone you care about is considering a change—starting therapy, saving money, eating differently, having a hard conversation, etc. Rather than jumping into “fix-it” mode, try this:

Ask them to rate how ready, confident, or committed they feel on a scale from 1 to 10.

• 1 = not at all

• 10 = completely ready/confident/committed

The power isn’t in the number itself—it’s in what comes next.

Let’s say they say “a 5.” The typical response might be, “Why only a 5? What would get you to a 7?” That seems helpful, but it actually draws attention to everything that’s holding them back.

Instead, try:

“Why a 5 and not a 3? What made it that high?”

This flips the focus to what’s already working—the strengths, values, or motivation that pushed their number up. And that can encourage momentum.

Whether you’re talking with a partner, a friend, a coworker, or even a teenager, the goal isn’t to fix them. It’s to understand them. Often, people aren’t asking for advice—they’re asking to be seen, heard, and understood.

Letting go of the “righting reflex” doesn’t mean you stop helping. It just means you start by meeting them where they are.

Instead of:

• “You should…”

  
  

  Try:

• “What makes that important to you?”

• “Where do you think you’d like to go from here?”

• “What’s helped you get this far?”

These small shifts build trust and create space for people to discover their own solutions.

And here’s the surprising part: When someone feels truly understood, they’re more likely to open up, think clearly, and take meaningful action.

You didn’t “fix” them. You just helped them feel safe enough to move forward.

You get one life; live intentionally.

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REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES

Miller, William: Listening Well

Miller, William: On Second Thought 

Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing