GETTING ON THE SAME TEAM

❝Together we stand, divided we fall.❞ -Pink Floyd in "Hey You"

It's tempting to view others as competitors. We find it easy to want to prove we're right or pass blame if something didn't go our way. It's a natural response to proving ourselves and justifying our place in our tribe - or group.

The problem is that we no longer live in tribal days, and good behavior is more about supporting our loved ones than supporting our own egos. We're in many teams, be that with marriages, families, friends, or coworkers. We would do well to remind ourselves that we're on the same team as our teammates.

SAME TEAM: SETBACKS HAPPEN

In mindfulness meditation, people practice breaking identification with outside things. We try to avoid identifying with beliefs, emotions, and even problems.

Breaking identification from problems is called externalizing problems. It's to not let problems identify who we are. For example, with emotions, if there is something that I'm afraid of, I might say, "I am afraid." That frame identifies me with fear. A more powerful frame is to say, "I feel afraid," or, "I'm experiencing fear." The difference can feel subtle, but it's powerful.

Another example is problematic behaviors. If I tend to overspend, one way to view this is to say, "I am an overspender," or, "I am a shopaholic." This equates me to the bad behavior. Breaking identification with problems involves naming the problem, say, Mr. Mischief. Now, instead of saying, "I am an overspending," I can say, "Mr. Mischief is here again." You can do something about Mr. Mischief. You can learn when Mr. Mischief is more likely to show up. You can learn to see what Mr. Mischief wants to tell you and then choose what to do with that information.

It turns, "There's nothing I can do because it's who I am," into, "I can do something with this information."

In other words, you are not the problem. The problem is the problem.

You might wonder what this has to do with teammates. Instead of problems "out there," it's tempting to view other people as "problems." If we treat other people like problems, it's easy to lose sight that we're on the same team as others.

Treating other people like problems is a "you-versus-me" situation.

Externalizing the problem, in this case, is to remember you two are on the same team, and when you remember that, you can do something about the problem.

Life happens. Setbacks occur. People make mistakes.

That's a fact of life.

When we make a mistake, we already know we made a mistake. It's not helpful for someone else, especially someone on our team, to tell us about it - or worse, get angry with us about it.

It might be true that I screwed something up, but being quick to assign fault to me doesn't do much to help.

In fact, all it does is make me dig in my heels and tell you all the reasons I wouldn't have made the mistake if you would have been more helpful or wouldn't have given me too much to do.

I'm more likely to get defensive.

Individual members of a team make mistakes, sure. But the whole is worth more than the sum of the parts. When an individual makes a mistake, the team makes a mistake. They are in it together.

And when the focus is you-and-me-versus-the-problem, the team can figure out how to fix the mistake. It's more collaborative.

Remember, you are on the same team.

Money is the number one source of stress in people's lives, above work, health, and kids. People with money disorders typically have faulty beliefs about money and cannot change their behavior even though they know they should.

SAME TEAM: CELEBRATING WINS

The same idea works without people making mistakes. It works the other way, too. Humans tend to want to keep score - "CYA" in the corporate world. They want to prove their worth and take credit for all the things they did.

Think about how it feels on the other end of this. How does it feel to hear others talk constantly about what they've done for the team?

You might feel small because it could be said that you weren't doing as much as the other person. Or, it could feel like the other person is bragging. Maybe you get the impression that the other person is making it seem that his/her contributions are more important than yours.

Either way, what's likely to happen is you won't feel respected. You won't feel like you're part of the team.

It makes sense to want recognition. I'm not saying we should feel guilty about wanting to feel responsible. What I'm saying is we can apply the same "team" idea to the things we've been doing well. It's about what the team has done rather than what one person has done for the team.

When you include the team in your wins, it motivates everyone. People know how much work you do, and they know how humble you are.

You and your partner are on the same team. You and your friends are on the same team. You and your coworkers are on the same team. Act like it.

You get one life; live intentionally.

---

If you know someone else who would benefit from reading this, please share it with them. Spread the word, if you think there's a word to spread.

To share via text, social media, or email, simply copy and paste the following link:

meaningmoney.life/post/same-team

---

Subscribe to Meaningful Money

Thanks for reading. If you found value in this article, consider subscribing. Each week I send out a new post with personal stories and simple drawings. It's free, and there's no spam.

REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES

Delucca, Gina & Jamie Goldstein: Positive Psychology in Practice

Emmons, Robert: THANKS! Hall, Kindra: Choose Your Story, Change Your Life

Miller, William: Listening Well Rosenberg, Marshall: Nonviolent Communication Sofer, Oren Jay: Say What You Mean Wallace, David Foster: This is Water