SUMMARIZING: HELPING OTHERS FEEL UNDERSTOOD
- Derek Hagen
- 4 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 10 minutes ago
❝Summarizing is an act of respect. It shows you were listening and you care enough to make meaning out of their words.❞ -unknown
Have you ever had a conversation with someone, only to feel like they missed the point entirely? Or maybe you’ve tried to explain how you feel, but by the time you finished talking, even you weren’t sure what you were trying to say?
You’re not alone. Conversations — especially emotional ones — are rarely linear. Thoughts get jumbled, feelings come out sideways, and meaning can get lost in the mix.
But there’s a simple tool that can make a big difference: summarizing.
Motivational Interviewing cofounder William Miller once said, “The words people use are like a flower. A summary is like a bouquet.”
One sentence, one feeling, one little insight is like a flower. On its own, it might get overlooked. But when you gather a few of those together and reflect them back to someone, it becomes a bouquet — something clear, visible, and powerful.
That’s what a good summary does in a relationship. It helps your loved one feel seen and heard.
WHY SUMMARIZING HELPS
You don’t need to be a therapist or counselor to use summaries. In everyday conversations, they can help you:
Slow things down after an emotional moment
Show someone you’re truly listening
Clarify what was said — especially if it was complicated or unclear
Let someone hear their own words through your ears
Gently guide a conversation toward next steps
And you don’t have to repeat everything. In fact, the best summaries are selective. They reflect back the most meaningful parts: a strong emotion, a value, a moment of hesitation or ambivalence.
They show that you were paying attention — and that you care enough to try to understand.
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Money is the number one source of stress in people's lives, above work, health, and kids. People with money disorders typically have faulty beliefs about money and cannot change their behavior even though they know they should. |
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OFFERING GOOD SUMMARIES
Think of a summary like a mirror that helps someone see themselves more clearly. You might say something like:
“So it sounds like this decision is really weighing on you — part of you wants to go for it, but part of you is still unsure.”
“You’re feeling frustrated, not just because of what happened, but because it feels like your efforts weren’t seen.”
“You’re excited about the new opportunity, and at the same time, it’s scary because of what you’d be leaving behind.”
You’re not solving anything. You’re not giving advice. You’re simply helping someone sort through their own thoughts — and maybe even discover something new along the way.
If you’re not used to summarizing in conversation, it might feel awkward at first. That’s okay. Start small:
Notice one important thing someone says, and reflect it back.
Try to name both sides if they seem conflicted.
Use their words, or put it into your own — whatever feels most natural.
And when in doubt, try: “Did I get that right?” or “Would you add anything?”
Summaries are more than just a tool — they’re a way of being present. They remind the people in your life that you’re not just hearing them — you’re understanding them.
And that kind of connection? That’s worth practicing.
You get one life; live intentionally.
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REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES
Miller, William: Listening Well
Miller, William: On Second Thought
Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing
Rosenberg, Marshall: Nonviolent Communication
Sofer, Oren Jay: Say What You Mean
