SUPPORT AUTONOMY, DON'T STEAL IT
- Derek Hagen
- 2 hours ago
- 3 min read
❝Advice given too soon feels like pressure, not support.❞
You’ve probably experienced something like this before:
You were planning to do something—say, take out the garbage, fix something around the house, or finally go for a walk. Then, right before you were about to do it, someone told you to do it.
What happened next?
Chances are, the motivation disappeared. Even though it was your idea, it suddenly felt like you were just following orders.
That feeling has a name: a loss of autonomy.
WHY AUTONOMY MATTERS
Autonomy is a basic human need. We all want to feel like we’re making our own choices. When someone tells us what to do—especially too early or too often—it can trigger resistance. Not because we don’t like them, but because we don’t like being controlled.
You see this all the time in TV shows and movies. A character decides to do something, then someone else tells them to do it… and suddenly they don’t want to anymore. Or they make a big deal out of doing it on their own terms:
“I’ll do it—not because you told me to, but because I want to.”
That’s autonomy in action.
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Money Scripts® are subconscious beliefs we have about money that we learn these we are growing up in our family systems. A Money Script can be anything, but they tend to fall into four categories. Learn what categories your Money Scripts fall into. |
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WHY "SHOULDING" DOESN'T WORK
We often offer advice with good intentions. We care, so we suggest. We want to help, so we tell.
But what starts as support can feel like control on the other side.
That’s why unsolicited advice often backfires. Even when someone asks for help, they might not be ready to act on it yet. They may still be processing, building motivation, or wrestling with uncertainty. And advice offered too soon can shut down the conversation.
Telling someone what to do—especially before they feel ready—is like saying, “I don’t need to hear more. I already know what you should do.”
And no one likes that.
This doesn’t mean you should stop helping. It means you can support others without taking over. One powerful way to do this is by asking yourself:
“Do they want my advice… or just my presence?”
Sometimes just listening, asking gentle questions, or acknowledging how hard something must be is more powerful than any advice you could offer.
If they do want your input, try asking first:
“Want to hear an idea I’ve used before?”
“Would it be helpful if I shared a thought?”
“Can I offer a perspective?”
This keeps the door open. It gives the other person a choice. It keeps their autonomy intact.
Autonomy is the fuel behind motivation. The more someone feels like it’s their decision—not yours—the more likely they are to follow through.
Next time you’re about to offer advice, pause.
Ask.
Listen.
Let them lead.
They’ll feel respected, more in control—and more likely to take action.
You get one life; live intentionally.
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REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES
Klontz, Brad, Rick Kahler & Ted Klontz: Facilitating Financial Health
Miller, William: Listening Well
Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing
