BUILDING YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AROUND MONEY
- Derek Hagen
- 23 hours ago
- 3 min read
❝Unlike IQ, emotional intelligence can be learned and improved at any age.❞ -Daniel Goleman
Emotional intelligence isn't something you're born with. It's a skill you can train.
WHY EQ MATTERS IN EVERYDAY MONEY DECISIONS
AI tools and calculators can help you track, plan, and project. But they can’t notice the knot in your stomach when you think about spending, or the wave of shame when you talk about debt.
That’s where emotional intelligence (EQ) comes in. It’s what helps you connect the dots between your emotions and your money habits.
If you're interested in values-based financial planning, here's how to work with a Money Quotient-trained financial life planner.
A lot of us believe that being “good with emotions” is just a personality trait; you either have it or you don’t. But that’s a fixed mindset. A growth mindset recognizes that EQ can be built, like a muscle, over time.
THE FOUR PARTS OF EQ
EQ is often described as a balance between awareness and management—of yourself and of others. That creates four main skills:
Self-Awareness — Recognizing and naming your own emotions. This is what helps you catch yourself overspending because you’re stressed, or hesitating on a financial decision because you’re afraid.
Self-Regulation — Managing your emotions in healthy ways. It’s not about ignoring feelings; it’s about pausing long enough to use them as data. That pause creates space to act intentionally instead of automatically.
Empathy — Noticing and understanding the emotions of others. This helps in money conversations with a spouse, partner, or even children. It’s the ability to step back and wonder, “What might they be feeling right now?”
Relational Skill — Using emotions (yours and theirs) to strengthen connection. This is about making room for feelings in financial conversations rather than pushing them aside. It’s how money talks become less about conflict and more about shared understanding.
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A grateful person exhibits certain traits. Rather than feeling deprived in life, a grateful person experiences a sense of abundance. A grateful person acknowledges the contributions of others to his/her success and well-being, appreciates life's simple pleasures, and acknowledges the importance of experiencing and expressing gratitude. |
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HOW TO BUILD YOUR EQ MUSCLE
Like physical fitness, EQ grows with deliberate practice. Here are some ways to work in each area:
1. Strengthen Self-Awareness
Most of us don’t have a wide emotional vocabulary. Tools like an emotion wheel can help you move beyond just “good” or “bad.” Naming your emotions more accurately helps you understand your patterns and make better decisions.
2. Practice Self-Regulation
Pause between trigger and action. A helpful model:
A = Activating event (what happened)
B = Belief or story you tell yourself
C = Consequence (emotion or behavior)
The key: A doesn’t directly cause C. Your story (B) makes the difference.
3. Develop Empathy
In conversations about money, practice curiosity. Pay attention not only to words, but tone, body language, and pauses. Give space instead of jumping in with quick fixes.
4. Strengthen Relational Skill
Use emotions to guide conversations rather than avoiding them. For example, if your partner is anxious about a decision, acknowledge the anxiety first before diving into numbers. Emotions don’t derail money talks; they open the door to progress.
Building EQ takes reps. Each time you pause instead of reacting, name a feeling more precisely, or stay curious in a money conversation, you’re building strength.
Over time, those small moments add up into more intentional spending, better communication, and financial choices that actually stick.
You get one life; live intentionally.
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REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES
Dweck, Carol: Mindset
Klontz, Brad, Rick Kahler & Ted Klontz: Facilitating Financial Health
Klontz, Brad & Ted Klontz: Mind Over Money
Miller, William: Listening Well
Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing
PositivePsychology.com: Emotional Intelligence Masterclass
Rosenberg, Marshall: Nonviolent Communication
Sofer, Oren Jay: Say What You Mean
