ENOUGH?

Derek Hagen
Jun 25
4 min read

Hand-drawn bar chart: shorter bar labeled "What You Want," taller bar labeled "What You Have," with a smiley face beside the gap; illustrates wanting more than you have

❝The fact that we adapt to our circumstances so quickly is sometimes good news and sometimes bad news, but it's almost always a surprise.❞ -Dan Gilbert

What you have is what you used to want, but it doesn't feel like it.

I'm nervously sitting at my desk, waiting to hit publish on my first blog post. It's 2017. I'd taken some training that encouraged me to start writing. Even without subscribers, it was a good way to organize thoughts and keep my writing sharp. Still, it would be nice to have people read this.

Then I got to 100 subscribers. Getting into triple digits felt like something... until it didn't, and I set my sights on 500. How cool would it be to have 500 people reading my work? 500 came and went. Then 1,000. At every step, I kept moving the finish line.

The number I have now is a number I used to want. Before that, it was a number I never thought possible. It doesn't feel like either of those things.

WHAT YOU HAVE IS WHAT YOU USED TO WANT

You wanted the job. You got the job. Now you want the promotion. You wanted the house. You got the house. Now you want the bigger one. You wanted your savings to hit a number. It hit the number. Now the number moved.

When asked how much income would make them feel financially comfortable, people who made $50,000 said they'd be comfortable at $100,000. People who made $100,000 said $200,000. People who made $250,000 said $500,000. The number is almost always double. The comfort never arrives.

Hand-drawn line graph with two curves over time; lower curve labeled "What You Have," upper curve labeled "What You Want"; blue dashed lines show "What You Have Is What You Used to Want"; stick figure stands between the gap

This is hedonic adaptation. We have a set point of happiness. Something good happens, we feel good for a while, then we return to baseline. Something bad happens, it feels awful for a while, then we return to baseline. The new thing becomes the new normal and the wanting starts again.

We notice changes, not absolutes. That's why at 500 miles an hour on a plane, you can get up and walk around and it feels normal, but takeoff and landing, you feel everything.

Two hand-drawn Speed vs. Time graphs side by side; left graph shows a blue wavy line labeled "We Notice This…"; right shows a flat blue line labeled "…Not This"; illustrates we notice change, not steady states

We seem to crave wanting, not having.

COMPARED TO WHOM?

Everything is experienced in comparison. We don't ask how we're doing. We ask how we're doing compared to something.

A six-inch line is short relative to an eight-inch line. An eight-inch line is short relative to a ten-inch line. You can't know if a line is long or short without a reference point. You can't know if your life is good or bad without one either.

Hand-drawn stick figure standing on a single bar labeled "Your Life"; illustrates life without a comparison point

Compare yourself to past you and you might be doing pretty well.

Hand-drawn stick figures on two bars; shorter bar labeled "Past You," taller bar labeled "Your Life"; illustrates favorable self-comparison over time

Compare yourself to your ancestors four or five generations back and your quality of life is extraordinary.

Hand-drawn stick figures on three rising bars labeled "Your Ancestors," "Past You," "Your Life"; shows life quality improving across generations

But most of us don't use these comparisons. Most of us end up mimicking what others are doing — trying to keep up with the Joneses. The difference is that the Joneses used to be your actual neighbors. Now they're a curated highlight reel of everyone's best moments on social media. We will never measure up to that.

Hand-drawn stick figures on four rising bars: "Your Ancestors," "Past You," "Your Life," "Social Media"; the Social Media bar dwarfs all others

Comparison is a choice. So is what you're comparing. Money? Time? Happiness? Relationships? The reference point is yours to pick, even when it doesn't feel that way.

The Value Compass is designed to help you gain insight into your own values and how they guide your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It can be used to explore your personal goals and motivations, as well as to gain a better understanding of others' values and how they may differ from your own.

THE HEDONIC TREADMILL

When someone comes looking for a financial planner because they don't want to miss any opportunities, that's not really about making or saving more money. It's about comparing themselves to someone who has more and not wanting to fall behind.

That's the rat race. And as Lily Tomlin said: "If you win the rat race, you're still a rat."

Hand-drawn bars labeled "What You Want" and "What You Have" with a frowning face in the gap, labeled "Hedonic Treadmill"; shows the persistent want-have gap

Always wanting more isn't wrong. Wanting to better your situation is healthy. The problem is doing it without intention; running in place toward a finish line that moves every time you get close.

Hand-drawn stick figure running on a treadmill facing a sign labeled "More"; illustrates chasing a finish line that keeps moving

PICK YOUR GAME

The question worth sitting with is: what are you actually trying to get to?

Gratitude is a reference point practice. It deliberately points your attention toward what you already have rather than what you don't. Not because wanting more is wrong, but because gratitude reminds you that what you have is what you used to want.

Mindfulness is awareness of which comparison you're making and whether you chose it.

Defining enough is the life planning question that changes your relationship with wanting. Not how much can I accumulate, but how much do I actually need to live the life I want? When you know what enough looks like, the finish line stops moving. Not because you stopped growing. Because you chose the game.

You get one life; live intentionally.

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